1. Pooping during childbirth is pretty common. Yeah, it happens. It’s a shitty deal.
2. Functioning on literally no sleep every day is actually possible. Not just functioning, but keeping another another human alive. NBD.
3. Doing things with one hand is one of your best skills. You become a master at holding a baby, making a bottle, unloading the dishwasher, and talking on the phone all at the same time.
4. The baby isn’t the only thing you deliver during childbirth. After you deliver the baby, you deliver the placenta. “Here’s your beautiful baby and here’s your beautiful placenta!” But the placenta is not beautiful. It looks like an uncooked pot roast.
5. Being puked on is a daily occurrence. Being shit on is also a frequent occurrence.
6. Your vagina isn’t forever ruined after vaginal childbirth. IT SHRINKS BACK. This is not a “hotdog down a hallway” type of situation, people!
7. Silence is always, ALWAYS suspicious.
8. Your baby “bump” doesn’t automatically shrink up after the baby comes out. You don’t SUDDENLY have a flat stomach after birth!
9. You’ll use Google to research what’s wrong with your kid a minimum of 10 times per day.
10. Sucking boogers out of a kid’s nose is pretty typical. NoseFrida — google it.
11. There’s no such thing as a “mom” wardrobe. “Mom jeans” are whatever jeans you choose to wear that day, but it’s usually sweatpants.
12. It actually takes like three to five days for your breast milk to come in after giving birth; you don’t automatically produce it. But when it does come in, and you wait too long to pump or nurse, your boobs are worse than a leaky faucet.
13. One shoe is ALWAYS missing. And it’s ALWAYS when you’re running late.
14. You don’t know any new movies or actors, but you can ramble off every single Disney and Nickelodeon show, theme song, and character.
15. You are the paparazzi during anything your kid does. Your social media page might as well be your kid’s baby book.
16. The way your kid looks is far more important than the way you look. You might have a poop stain on your shirt, but hey, at least your kid looks cute!
17. A shower is a luxury. And dry shampoo IS your definition of washing your hair.
18. Going to the bathroom alone is also a luxury.
19. You always pack the whole house before going anywhere. Diapers? Check. Snacks? Check. Your kid’s entire collection of Shopkins? Check.
20. You have a newfound appreciation for your own parents.
21. Most everyday items (like a pencil) are “dangerous.” YOUR KID COULD STAB THEIR EYE OUT.
22. You still have interests outside of your kid. You became a mom — you didn’t die.
23. That being said, you still can’t manage to keep your eyes open long enough to finish an entire movie.
24. And you think about another human being about 1,096,457 times a day and wonder how you could love them any more.